


Keeping Up with the Joneses

by Spocksandshoes



Category: Den lengste reisen | The Longest Journey, Dreamfall Chapters
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bad Matchmaking, Domestic Bliss, Enemies to Lovers, Gen, M/M, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-11 20:41:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5641162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spocksandshoes/pseuds/Spocksandshoes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All Enu wants is a cute house and a quiet new life in the city. </p><p>Then Kian Alvane- broody cute grump- moves in across the street and immediately starts shit with the neighbourhoods OTHER broody grump in the most middle-class of turf wars imaginable. </p><p>This can only end in romance. Or murder.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keeping Up with the Joneses

Enu was having a pretty good morning.  
She had finally gotten around to cleaning all the dishes piled in the kitchen, reorganised some books, and had a disastrous attempt at baking these little sweetcakes her grandmother used to make.

She sat in the cushioned windowsill of her little home, eating batter out of the bowl and idly drawing stick figures.

And that's when a muscley, dark-skinned guy in a nice jacket strolled past and Enu fell in love. 

This was where the story would normally turn into a romantic comedy and the music would swell and their eyes would meet.... him all clean shaven, short-cropped hair, that serious, smouldering look...

And her... still in her pyjamas at noon, with a face full of batter.

A love for the ages.

He stopped at the house across the road, and turned just in time see her pressing her face against the window like a crazed batter-covered stalker.

**

There wasn't many in the small neighbourhood, just the kooky college student (her), the quiet lady next door who was too tall for anyone's own good, a stuttering librarian, an ex-homeless old man who liked to talk a lot, and Likho. 

Likho was... odd. And Enu adored him.

He was in his 30's, blind in one eye, impossibly stoic, and had a career that probably involved the police? Or a bounty hunter? Or a super-spy? It was hard to tell, but Enu secretly favoured Super-spy.  
He had been out of work ever since the 'eye' incident, and was always up stupidly early, jogging.  
His cat was white and fluffy and definitely was the one who ate the pies Enu left out on the windowsill, but Likho loved the cat too much to believe such slander.

All in all, Likho was probably her best friend in the small estate.

***

But then Kian Alvane moved in, and everything changed.

''Hello!'' She managed to catch him off-guard, in his leather jacket and pyjama bottoms, buying bread and milk at the local shop. He stopped, hand frozen in-between transporting a loaf of whole-grain from the shelf to his arms, and raised his eyebrows.

''Oh! Duh, Enu! Sorry, I'm Enu! I'm your neighbour, I saw you move in the other day and I figured, hey, let's go say hi to the new guy! I hoped the new neighbour would be cute. Not that you're...well, y'know, you totally are, but nice to meet you anyways!'' She forced herself not to think back on what she just said, for fear that she'd cringe herself to death.

''The girl at the window.'' The man made an attempt to mimic her staring, hands pressed against invisible glass, but his arms were full, so the effort was half-hearted. Like she needed a re-do of THAT particular memory.

''Uh, yes! That's...me. I...am not a creepy stalker, I promise, just overly friendly... my mother always said so anyways.. I'm Enu!''

''I'm Kian.'' Kian said, looking like he didn't know whether to laugh or drop his bread and sprint home.

''Uh, so I was wondering if you'd like to come over tonight? You know, as a welcome-to-the-neighbourhood sort of thing! ''

***

Kian was a nice addition to the neighbourhood.  
He kept the lawn tidy, made really good spicy food, and also went jogging early in the morning.  
Even better, he jogged shirtless on warm mornings.

Enu missed the bus one day and had to shamefully explain to a college lecturer that- no, she didn't sleep in, she was up on time for her bus, but her gorgeous neighbour stopped to talk, mid-jog and shirtless, and _two roads diverged in a wood and I, took the one with the hot guy,_ thank you very much.

He also got along with most of the neighbourhood, except for Likho. They had a weird tension going on ever since Kian said he wasn't fond of cats and Likho said he thought face-tattoos were tacky, but Enu was happy to ignore it in favour of focussing on how nice it was to have a new friend.

***  
''I have no idea what to bring.'' 

If she had known, Enu would have sat down and wrote him a list of nice things to buy Likho.  
It was dinner party tradition- a gift for good luck. If only she had known what fate had in store, she would have elaborated instead of making dumb assumptions about how savvy Kian was about social gatherings, but fate was an idiot, so instead, she'd waved it off and said:  
''Get him whatever! Tradition is that anything means good luck, so any old random crap.''

Any old random crap was NOT the right answer. 

And when on New Years, Likho's guests arrived with a vintage Chardonnay, a box of Gourmet Pomegranate Caramel Chocolates, a home-baked White-Chocolate-and-Raspberry trifle and... a pair of socks, Likho looked at the socks like someone had shit on the table.

The awkwardness was overwhelming. Enu slowly buried her face in her hands.

''I..thought the gift could literally be anything.'' Kian said finally.

***

''Socks. Your friend is funny.''  
Likho was fuming, and Enu tried to diffuse the situation, even though it had about as much of a chance of working as convincing Likho to do literally anything else.

''Kian? No, he meant well! He just... I dunno, I told him anything would do..''

''And he brought socks.'' Likho looked revolted. ''What an obnoxious shit. Does he think he's too good for us?'

***

When Kian hosted a dinner party and Likho brought him a single pack of mints, Enu nearly wept.

The men stared at each other and there was a very clear understand that it was fuckin' _ON_ now.

***

Likho bought him a cookbook for beginners. Kian responded by giving Likho a monocle. 

A single battered shoe. A bottle of half-drank cheap wine. Rotten eggs. BO-cancelling Deodorant. A guide to weight loss. A dog chew-toy.  
Kian hated magic and all sorts of superstition, so naturally, a box of Regression therapy vouchers, crystal balls, Tarot cards and Ouija boards all appeared outside his door. He stepped over the box for weeks, refusing to touch it, til he finally got someone to take it away.

Likho's house got viciously egged in response.

Enu wanted to cry. Her life had been idyllic. All she wanted to do was sit in her little home and have nice days and hang out with cute people. Now every social event was ruined by those two passive-aggressively glowering at each other and giving shitty gifts.  
And the smell of eggs in the neighbourhood mixing with the stank of incense still lingering on Kians porch.

Why? There was no reason for it? But noo, it was all glares and passive-aggression and _lets-ruin-Enu's-lunch-party._

Because of COURSE it was.

***

''Do you know a place around here that does rat food?'' Kian wandered into her house, pulling a grey hoodie over his shoulders, and she just about gave up the ghost.  
''Kian, I swear to- you can't just- that is NOT an okay gift!''

Kian raised his hands slowly in peace, looking faintly alarmed. ''I know, it's for Rattigan. My rat.''

''Ohh, you have a rat?'' She instantly melted. ''Oh they're so cute... yeah, there's a place in the Old Town part of the city, Has little pictures of cartoon animals, near the market, you can't miss it.'' 

He thanked her and headed out, and Enu got back to her college work, til something awful clicked in the back of her head, and she froze. Oh no.  
Oh no no no.

In a perfect world, this would have been resolved quickly, but Enus life was very much not perfect, so it ended with her bursting breathless and sweaty, into the Pet Store in her pyjamas like a lunatic and shouting ''DON'T GIFT HIM THE RAT SHIT!!!!'' at the top of her lungs.  
The poor shop assistant nearly called the police.

Kian, who was innocently standing outside the shop and smoking, gently took Enu by the shoulders and steered her home.

''You two are driving me crazy.'' She whined, wrapped up like a burrito in a soft blanket as Kian handed her tea. ''I don't sleep. I don't eat. You're killing me.''

Kian stopped to stare pointedly at the half a pie-slice in her other hand, and she sighed.  
''Okay, but still, this is nuts! I just want to have my friends over and do the stupid little idyllic city life thing for a few years, is that so bad? You're STUPIDLY gorgeous and that was great, y'know, cute guy moves in! But then you and Likho just fight all the time and ugggghhhh it's killing me!''

''I'm stupidly gorgeous?'' Kian sounded a little smug, and she threw a pillow at him. 

''You both need to get hobbies and stop ruining my life! Go get a girlfriend or something! I'd volunteer, but I'm too busy here. Dying. Of sadness.''

''Boyfriend.''

''...What?''

''I.. am not in the hobby of collecting girlfriends.'' He said after a pause, steepling his fingers.

''Then get one of those and STOP RUINING MY DINNER PARTIES.''

 

****

Enu had a plan. Likho was gay. And single. And grumpy. Kian was gay. And single. And grumpy.  
And they already had mad tension, it was perfect!

She sat up all night, surrounded by cups of tea, but eventually had a concrete plan, covered in glitter and heart-drawings.

Those two would fall in love, and things would go back to normal. And she'd get her quiet life back.  
It was perfect.

***  
''You should totally kiss Kian.''

Likho choked on his coffee and spent 10 minutes gasping like a drowning man as she patted his back in apology.

''I mean it though. Look at him, he's cute, right? You should-''

''Don't be ridiculous.'' Likho gasped, wiping his streaming eyes. STILL managing to sound grumpy.

''Oh come on! You're all broody and mysterious, he's all broody and mysterious, you could be broody and mysterious together!  
With kissing!''

''.... are you leaving any time soon, Enu?''

''Okay, but don't give him anything with Brazil nuts in it, he's SUPER allergic.'' She added, and made her escape.

***  
Kian arrived in her house, looking lost.

''Look what Likho gave me.'' He held out a bag of chocolate -covered lumps. ''Brazil nuts. How did he know I liked em? You think they're poisoned?''

''He must be trying to bury the hatchet.'' Enu offered, and Kian squinted at her. ''Okay, I need a gift that's sort-of thoughtful. It's the least I can do.''

''He likes dark ale?''

He scratched his beard. ''So , light ale?''

Enu sighed. It was a start.

***

Likho showed up with a bottle of ale and a confused expression.

''Is he being decent? Is this a trap?''

''No, you have to get him something sort of nice in return! I suggest candied yams.''

***  
Kian arrived back with a box of candied yams, held at arms length like it was a bomb.

Enu beamed at him. ''Likho likes Apple Pies, by the way.''

***

''What on earth is his problem, why is he being so nice??''

''He thinks he can be nicer than me?!''

Fruit baskets, bunches of wildflowers, thoughtful gift cards, each gift nicer-wrapped and kinder than the last. 

Enu thought she was going to lose her mind. Who else could make kindness into a competition?

''What is WRONG with you two!?!?!?''

*** 

There was an odd shift in the atmosphere, and the presents stopped. No more back-handed insults about cooking, no more rigging up Christmas lights to spell 'TOSSER' with an arrow pointed at the others house.... it was downright eerie. 

Enu swore she was losing hair from the stress. Someone was planning something awful. Arson, probably.

The next dinner party went pretty well. No presents. 

The next one went even better.

She was sure that they even smiled at each other a few times during the conversation.

Once, they even agreed with each other. It was friggin wonderful. And terrifying.

***

And then a thing happened.

A wonderful, miraculous thing, and Enu will tell her grandchildren about this.

It was night, the moon was high, and she was putting up fairy-lights around her windows because she was going to have a cute city-house, damnit- and Likho walked past on the opposite side of the road.  
Mouth full of pins, she hopped down of her chair to open the door for her neighbour, but when she did, he wasn't there.  
The cold air stole in around her ankles, because it was certainly the only thing on the doorstep.

Likho hadn't crossed the road. He was standing on Kians porch as a light clicked on inside the hall.  
Enu felt faint. Oh god, it was murder time. They were going to kill each other-

Kian pulled the door open, and after a brief exchange, stepped back and motioned Likho inside.

The door closed and she was on the verge of a meltdown when they entered into a room with the window blessedly facing her house. Enu closed her eyes and shot a prayer to the heavens to keep her friends from fighting each other to death, took a deep breath, steeled herself for carnage, and opened her eyes.

They were kissing.

They were just...standing in Kians living room and kissing. With their mouths. And mouth-stuff. Lots of kisses. Just.... kisses. And hands in hair. And on butts. 

Enu slowly closed the door, padded numbly into her living room, gently placed a pillow over her face, and screamed into it.

 

***

Enu was walking to college the next morning just in time to see Likho steal furtively out of Kians house.  
The man headed right by her and purposefully ignored her demented grin. The grey hoodie he wore was not his own.

Enu punched the air, and nearly skipped to the bus-stop.

***

Peace crept back into the quiet cul-de-sac.  
White cat fur dotting Kian's jeans . Likho starting to cook spicy food. 

Two sets of footprints, pounding the tarmac past her window in the early morning.

***

No-one was surprised when Kian moved in with Likho.

***

Two years later, the new neighbours bought a shit bottle of wine to a dinner party and Likho and Kian's eyes glazed over in unison, and Enu was sorely tempted to buy the first ticket out of this stupid city.

**Author's Note:**

> Dark-rose89 gets the credit for helping me come up with this idea after a very confused discussion on the Scottish tradition of First Footing.. anyways, that turned into this and here we are. Thanks, dude!


End file.
